An open letter to those who hate me because I'm Christian

Many people know how strong I am in my faith; and while I choose to share it here and there, I never try to shove it down anyone's throat.  Sometimes, my faith angers some; they are quick to tell me how wrong I am in my beliefs.  That's okay, they're entitled to their opinion...I've said it a million times, I'll say it again.  It's not my place to tell you you're wrong, what you believe is wrong, or whether or not any of us are going to Heaven, Hell, or just turning into a blip in the Universe.  It's above my pay grade.

I heard something this morning that put it perfectly:
"You'll say to me, 'The church is full of hypocrites'.  Yes, every church is full of hypocrites.  And yes, I'm okay with that.  There is no such thing as a hypocrite-free church.  If there were, you and I would just mess it up." -Greg Laurie

None of us are perfect, and none of us have the right to judge anyone.  It's our sole purpose to love one another.  I may remove myself from sin, but that doesn't mean I'm better than the sinner.  I don't want to be around a fart, either, but that doesn't mean I'll remove myself from the farter.  Ok, that was a stretch.  But I got you to laugh. 

The point is, when we try to turn from sin, we usually faceplant into another one.  It's human nature.  We will fall, we will stumble, we will sin again.  the point is to get up, dust off, and try again, really give it a good hard try to improve, and mind your business if someone does the same.

There are hypocrites everywhere.  Including in the mirror.  It's not about the person you're quick to point at, it's the person the other three fingers are pointing at when you do.

I'm strong in my faith.  I go to church as often as I can.  That doesn't make me perfect, that doesn't even make me better than you.  That makes me out of bed on a Sunday morning, praying for you whether you like it or not. :p

Moral of the story: get as angry as you want.  There will always be a church of hypocrites.  You have to start with the one you wake up as every morning.  
Also, God doesn't fart.

There you go, first blog post in two years!

Hi There! Welcome to SAHM's Club!

I did it.  I DID IT!  The dream that all women have after enjoying two thirds of their maternity leave:

I quit my job.

Well, sorta.  I don't have to go back any time soon, but in the event I wake up in a sweaty panic and poop myself, I can return to work like it was a dream...um, within a dream...

Regardless, the scrubs are staying in the closet and instead, on with the cute workout capris (with the promise of a good, long walk now that I have time...which so far has started as good intentions, ultimately resulting in bowls of ice cream with excuse syrup on top).  

I couldn't be happier.  I've been so proud of us being able to stay afloat while I have been on leave without a paycheck, but I have to admit, I freak out every time I realize no check is coming from my end.  It feels a lot better knowing I could go back if I wanted to, but with Husband Man teaching CPR classes on the side, it's helpful for me to be home and cook the slab of bacon he brings home!  Not to mention soon here the entire nation will be able to perform CPR at this rate....so what am I going to do?  Albeit, my sick secret fantasy is to dress up in heels all 50's housewife style, but I think I may freak out the UPS guy.  Plus I'd get offended if he didn't try one of my freshly baked cookies...well, thankfully, I do have a more rational plan.  

Now that summer is here, not only will I plan activities for Big Z, but I think I may take a hack at the 372,664 Pinterest projects I have wanted to try but never had the chance.  Turns out, if you pin a bunch of shit into a folder called, "No More Fatty-bo-Batty For Me!" but don't actually DO anything with it, yet you make a five course meal every night of the week from the folder called, "FOOD!!!!!" your ass still gets huge. Huh, who knew?

So for those who like to read about my daring adventures in Walmart with my dashing, yet sarcastic undertones, don't worry they will still be here, but I forewarn you, I do believe this is morphing into a dreaded Mom Blog.

Oh, look children!!!!  It's a warning label!!!  Look!  Here it comes!!!

WARNING: I have nothing against Mom Blogs, only that they spawn like herpes because everyone woman who doesn't want to drink wine all day gets on here with ideas to keep their kids and their kids' friends occupied.  I must say, the only reason I am a remotely satisfactory mother is because I stalk your blogs so that I can do cool junk and people wonder with awe, "Where do you come up with that?  How do you get anything done?  You're just so creative!!!"  Well at least they did before Pinterest, now everyone brings cut up celery in cups of ranch and watermelon-mint water to the party.

So let's get started!  For some very early reason, school is officially out for Mr. Big Z.  I don't get it, we had to suffer from heat stroke until mid-June my entire childhood, and these kids are out before Memorial Day!  Must be nice!  (Actually, it kind of is.  We are teaching him how to ride his new "Happy Summer" bicycle and Husband Man isn't dying while running him around the neighborhood by the seat of his bike!)

Anyway, we are going to start with the beginnings of a list of things on our Summer Bucket List.

(I have no graphic talent.  Like at all.  Who knew, right?)

Okay, here we go!

1. Day trip to Chicago

    Easy enough, right?  Get on the train, go to Union Station, and get yourself to the Bean at Millennium Park.  It's about a mile walk from Union Station, and there's plenty to do.  You can check out special events and attractions at Millennium Park's Website.  On Tuesdays and Thursdays you can visit the Chicago Farmers' Market from 7am-3pm depending on the location; both the Daley Plaza market and the Federal Plaza market are equal distance in opposite directions from Millennium Park, and about a half mile walk.  Check out the market schedule and more information here.  

COST: Go to Metrarail.com to see ticket prices depending on your rail, schedules and look up the reduced, family, and weekday kids' fare schedules too so you don't have to pay full price on the train.  Other than that, this day trip is relatively low cost, depending on your lunch and spending at the markets!

2. Day Trip to Lake Geneva

    Another direction to go is Geneva Beach in Lake Geneva, WI.  Downtown Lake Geneva has TONS of fun activities, food, shopping, and free or low-cost things to do!  Just a quick drive up US Rt. 12, the beach is open to the public with passes you can purchase at kiosks where you can also conveniently pay for parking.  You can park right along the beach and stalls are run on an hourly rate that you can pay for with your credit card.  If you stay longer than expected, you can actually receive a text letting you know your stall time is running out!  You can check beach rates and hours here and while there is a concession stand nearby, you can bring a cooler as long as you don't bring glass or alcohol; and unfortunately no pets are allowed.  Right across the street is Popeye's restaurant, which is reasonably priced and has amazing rotisserie chicken as well as sandwiches and the like, but we go for the Broccoli Cheese Soup.  We buy it by the quart and take it home.  It's creamy, liquid crack.  If that's not your style, there are all different kinds of stops to hit for lunch and if you talk a walk through the Riviera pier, you will find ice cream shops and cute stores right there too!  If you want to relax, you can take a scenic tour of the lake on the Lake Geneva Cruise Lines and see the sights on a one- or two-hour cruise.  They also have an ice cream social tour!  You can look up their schedules and prices on their website here.  

COST: Beach: $7 adults, $3 kids 7 & up, and FREE for kids 6 and under ***TIP:  I can't guarantee you'll catch it, but I can tell you there have been several times over the years, mostly "off-peak" in the mid-summer that they don't even charge admission to the beach.  The kiosk will tell you if that is in fact the case, but my advice is to take a walk down to the beach, and if no one is taking tickets at the window, then you're fine.  No matter what the beach is swim at your own risk.

Popeye's: Average meal $7-$10, and the ice cream shops run around $3-$5 depending on what you get.

3. Milwaukee Zoo

    If anyone grew up in the Chicagoland area, you went to Brookfield Zoo.  Well, we took our little guy to Milwaukee last year, and I gotta tell ya, it seemed cleaner, nicer staffed, more interactive and way more fun. It's about as easy to get lost as Brookfield, but the habitats are very nice and very kid-oriented.  Tickets run $11-15 for non-county residents, and right now they have a stingray exhibit that is pretty wild!  You can also purchase tickets at the gate, but for more information you can visit their website here.

4. Randall Oaks Park Zoo

   A little closer to home is a place we've just recently stumbled upon; my son's class had a field trip and he has been begging me to take him back ever since.  Run by the Dundee Township Park District, Randall Oaks is a barnyard zoo that has a petting zoo as well as great picnic facilities.  Tickets are just $4 for non-residents and kids under 2 are free.  You can visit their website here.

5. Cosley Park Zoo

   For those of you in the DuPage County area, or if you're up for a drive; similar to Randall Oaks is Cosley Park Zoo.  I have very fond memories of coming here as a child, and in hindsight this was my parents' "go-to" when we were bored over the summer to let some energy out.  All children up to 17 are FREE and adults are $5 (Seniors are $4).  They have a discovery station too!  Visit their site at cosleyzoo.org.

So there's just a taste of the things we have planned in the next couple of weeks, stay tuned for some fun "home-based" activities as well as more locations!  In the meantime, I'm gonna check up on this Pinterest business, and stock up on pallets, mason jars, and modge podge, or whatever....

Super Mario Birthday Party

Today, I am stalking Pinterest and other sites to get rainy day inspiration, and I keep realizing all we're doing is trolling pictures of other people's blogs.  Then I realized I have yet to do a crafty blog, and they're starting to pile up.  So, two years behind, but better late than never, I give you: "How I threw Little One's Mario Party"

He's turning 7 this year, so this was for his 5th birthday.
I'm a cheapskate and I'm broke like 79% of the time, so I am also gonna show you how to make all the other moms go "ooohhhh, ahhhhh", and all you did was run to Walgreen's the day before....KACHOW!

We did a two hour kid party, then after that the adults/family were welcome to come to partake in cake, food and coffee, there was a 15-30min overlap so the family can see the kid activities, and so the house didn't get trashed/overly loud, etc.

Of course, start with an amazing kid who is disturbingly addicted to all things Mario:

Dress him in his favorite Mario garb, and we're ready to go!

So, because I'm a Leo and a list Nazi, I go by what needs to get done first.  And so, the decorations.
I don't know about you, bu I am not paying $50 for freaking decorations that get slammed into a junk drawer for all of eternity.

DECORATIONS.
Seriously, all I did was pick up two packs of multicolored construction paper, and a few glue sticks, and a roll of double stick tape.  Ready for some fun?
Keep in mind the more you squish, the more paper you get.
Basically, you can't mess this one up.  I Googled a bunch of Mario images, and because they are all primary colors, yay to the construction paper

COST: $4.00 VS. $25-40 on premade decorations(and two packs of construction paper made a BUNCH of decorations)

                                                                              

 (You can click on the pictures to see bigger images)

Pretty much straight lines and 8-bit perception is your friend   The Goombas were made with leftovers after the bombs were made, nothing was left to scrap.  We had so many we ran out of places to put them.  We mostly used the three-season room as a kid-zone, so we made the windows the backdrop of the party.

The best part was, after the party, instead of throwing them away, Bestie is a grade school teacher so I gave them to her so she can decorate her classroom on "special" days when the kids deserve a reward.

CRAFT:
While we were waiting for all the kids to get there, we set out blank Mario coloring pages that you can find online and print out for free, this kept them busy long enough to get everyone there and situated.

 Once everyone got there, we started our craft.  I wanted to make Mario hats, but I just couldn't find exactly what I was looking for, so I hit Michael's and grabbed $1 foam hats, and a couple foam sheets in which I cut the "M" and the white logo circle ahead of time.  I also used the glue stick that we bought earlier for less mess.  I wasn't sure if girls were coming (HEY PARENTS:  RSVP to kids parties!!!!!) so just in case, I also got some $1 gold crowns (for Princess Toadstool, of course) and a couple sheets of "jewels" so they can bedazzle their crowns.
COST: $15 altogether, including the glue sticks.

 Since the girls didn't show, the boys got FAB-U-LOUS with their Mario hats......

On to the GAMES!!!!!

 
FIREBALL TOSS: So, HusbandMan is a pretty decent artist, and he begged to do this one, so he grabbed a poster board and went to town.  We made one hole and obviously found more room to put the overload of fireball decorations, and taped it to a cardboard box and used the folds to stand it up.  Every kid got three chances to get all three fireballs in (which were made from fire fabric remnants at Walmart ($1.40) and filled with beans.  The kid with the most fireballs in won a prize.

 Next was Pin the Mustache on Mario.  Again, some markers and poster board(Thanks to his Godmother Amy who is not only easily entertained like us, but also spent the evening with us cutting construction paper and coloring Marios).  She did an awesome job.  And Mario looks angry because his mustache got plastered onto his forehead.....the kids got a big kick out of it.  Same here, closest stick won a prize.

COST: All together, both games and materials cost about $5.  It's all poster board, fabric remnants and double stick tape.

Next, it's PINATA TIME!

 I don't know if you know how hard it is to try to find a Mario themed pinata, let alone when you do find it, it costs about $40-for a box that you're going to beat the crap out of.

SOOOO....Amy, in her infinite wisdom, found a basketball pinata for about $10 and painted it black and ball-n-chainey with acrylic paints.  WIN.  Add a crepe paper tail and you got a ball and chainey....thing.

Since there were no trees in the middle of the yard, when we stripped the gazebo, we left the frame for another week so we could hang the pinata in the middle, and an adult could control it on the outside, as you can see from the Uncle on the left (of course, when you need adult help, have your party the day of a Hawks game, they come running when you promise beer and hockey in exchange for child-management)

A little advice....if at first you don't succeed....

            And still don't succeed....

                                       A little Daddy help, in accordance with the rules to keep it fair.....
                                         

 Makes a pinata explode better ;)

Once the kids were done collecting their candy they went inside, but ladies, do me a favor, and make sure the guys have some sort of supervision when they volunteer to clean it up.....

....

Just sayin'.

Ok, FOOD.  Amy the Godmother is ridiculously talented as she self-taught in the ways of fondant cakes, if you want her info or ever want to see all the amazing cakes she does, you can email me, I don't think she has a website as of yet, but she has quite a portfolio.

 So a mushroom cake for Little One and his friends, 

 1-UP and growing mushrooms for the rest of us :)

And keeping with the cheapo-theme, Little Caesar's $5 pizzas!

Favors were done with paper mache-balloons, filled with candy and little prizes from the dollar store.

Painted to look like Yoshi eggs.  Also did them green vs. pink so boys vs. girls favors could be determined a little easier.

And, for the finale, we finally splurged.  We are fortunate to have a costume rental close to home, so we rented a Mario costume (about $100) and had Grandpa dress up and visit the kids.  We took pictures and each mom got a copy for each kid, and of course Mario helped open presents too. It was the icing on the cake!

Look at that face!

Also, this makes for a great end, because it gets very hot in there, or so I'm told, so when Mario left, the party was over for the kids.  It was a nice finish to a perfect day!

When the blogger's away....

See what happens when you don't update your blog?

No?  You don't see it?  Over here....no wait.....a little more left.....little mooooore.....THERE!!  NO! WAIT!  Ugh, you almost had it.

Ok, fine...you don't see it....it's a blog, not a magical portal to the mystical world of my stupidity.

So, enough bullhonkey, it's about time we update this biiiiaaaatch!(Sorry blog, I don't think you're a biatch....although you have your days)

After two years of trying, we are finally EXPECTING!  That's right, Baby #2 is due 3/31/13, that is of course if the world doesn't end thanks to an extinct group of people that the "educated, civilized world" insists on taking the advice of. 
SIDEBAR: On that note, can I just ask WHY the HELL no one has stepped back and realized that we're all terrified over a group of people who perished due to bad planning; all while consulting their dayplanner?  HELLOOOO!!!!
I just don't get it, but hey, we're the most advanced, scientifically intelligent, technologically apt species in the history of the world....at least I'm pretty sure, let me double check that through my tea leaves here......

So back to the point....yes, scary as it is, we have procreated once again.  We are very excited, especially Little One, who is turning into Big Older One, because he is no longer little.

It's actually been kinda weird and surreal this time, in a good way.  We were officially done trying when the doctor told us to give up and gave us a number of a fertility specialist, which, by all means go for it, more power to you, but we just decided as a couple that if that's the case, then we were pretty much throwing in the towel.
A week later I was pregnant.  And I am surprised we found out so early, at 4 weeks.  On my birthday.  Oh, and HusbandMan, as much as you keep trying to claim that as my birthday present, uh, dude, I'm still thinking you owe me one...... ;)

So now the big pool is what sex the baby is, and everyone-and I mean EVERYONE, minus HusbandMan and my father think it's a girl....more wishing, I assume, because every child in our friends and family have been boys in the last seven years. 

I think I'm going to open up a gender pool just to see how much mon-uh, how many people think it's one vs. another...hehe :)

The coolest part about all this is five seconds after the dreaded Facebook announcement, I got a few messages from friends telling me they were pregnant as well and just haven't been as insane as us to announce it so early, which I was not only stoked, but also tickled that they trusted me with that cute little secret until they let the news out.  So being pregnant with some of my most awesome friends is pretty awesome, although that scene from Romy & Michelle popped in my head...

Although, we're not bitches and, frankly, I'd kill to have that chick's arms;

 (I have more like a "uh, did you have too many cheese fries?" belly at the moment.)

Now, I'm not one to complain, especially when given a miracle after losing all hope.  But I do have to point out something that has recently occurred to me, and help me out girls if this hasn't happened to you....

I'm starting to wonder if the human brain erases all memories of the BS you had to endure in the previous pregnancies.  Now, hear me out....

When the time comes to have another child, you reminisce about the last time you were pregnant.  You think about the kicking, and the glowing, and the time HusbandMan played guitar until you fell asleep, and how he read his novels to your belly until you fell asleep.

Then you become pregnant again, anticipating those wonderfully peaceful moments that bonded you and your partner. 

As you close your eyes to smile, you suddenly pop them open....

BLLEEAAHHCCHHCHHCHCHH!!!!!!
What the hell?  I didn't throw up my LAST pregnancy.....

This is around the time you learn that all pregnancies are different.

Just when the nausea subsides, in comes the horrendous vertigo that leaves you mumbling and shying from light, outwardly praying for mercy while you spin the room again just for glancing at the video games the first one is playing on TV.

When the vertigo finally leaves, you finally get off the couch....only to find...you CAN'T get off the couch, your groin is so sore from the pulled ligaments and muscles, you feel like you just finished a training session with Nadia Comaneci.

Yo, can I borrow your thighs for, like, the next six months??????

Now that you're hunched over, limping, wondering why you're not a prime candidate for LifeAlert, you wonder how on earth you managed to skid on by last time without any of these symptoms.  Not to mention, I don't remembering my boobs hurting the ENTIRE time last time....to the point that if I get a chill, my boobs shiver last and DAMN it hurts!!!!!

I also believe my bladder was damaged, or traumatized last time, because it has reverted to about half its size, I'm guessing.  I am up in the middle of the night EVERY NIGHT like clockwork to pee.  That didn't happen last time either.

Honestly, the only thing I remember was horrendous heartburn and pelvic floor pain right before I went into labor, that's it!  Other than that it was 9 months of cheese fries, lemonade and tuna sandwiches (don't you judge me, he came out fine!!!!)

Ok, well, MOSTLY fine.....



Help me out here, girls, because I have been talking to the other moms due around the same time (which, may I add, can someone tell me what the hell was so sexy around the 14th of July that caused this baby boom????  All I remember is an elevated temperature....) but they're all experiencing some seriously different symptoms this time around. 

All I know is I'm not gonna complain, but I will observe, and this girl JUST got rid of her stretch marks, in time to get a nice purple sheen to them....THAT's a nice little visual for ya ;)

And I'll probably post belly pictures soon, we're in a huge debate about whether this is a baby bump or I'm still digesting lunch......

YAY! One Step closer to Hippiedom!

Wow, I cannot tell you how absolutely AMAZED I am at how well everything is going now that we are in full swing this summer!  

This is the first year I have tried my hand at making soaps, and I don't know about you, but all the research, reading up and learning from others' mistakes made me so stressed out and nervous to try it!  I found a really great website called Miller Soap, and if soap had a bible, that would be it!  I finally got the gumption to try out a recipe, and I'm not gonna lie, I was waiting for disaster.  All the things that can go wrong while making soap, it's insane!  The worst part is, I am the most impatient person on Earth, and knowing that making soap takes time and patience above all else, still knowing that I am one of those "oh! look!!! SHINY!!!"  kind of people, I still gave it a try.  My first recipe was a modification of a stock recipe, and I made it my own by adding pulverized orange peel (that I dried myself, thank you very much!  Want to break your food processor?  Give this one a try!)  and Sweet Orange Essential Oil.  Not knowing until weeks later that Orange or Citrus is, like, THE best way to start out, because it is essentially fool-proof, I expected a chaotic mess.  See, when you mix the lye and fats together, you get "trace", which is this pudding-type consistency.  Here's the catch, there's such thing as "false trace" and there's such thing as over stirring your soap.  There is really no gray area.  So, here I was, stirring the heck out of this pot of sludge, and wondering if I already went too far, I think I have a trace, I'm not sure, why isn't this dummy-proof?  How do I know how to pour it?  Blah, blah, blah.  And here's the kicker: you have to cover it, and wrap it in towels, and not peek and leave it alone for 24 hours.  At least.  Man, you have no idea how many little peeks I stole, how many times I wanted to rip those towels off that mold, and then, 24 hours was up.  I couldn't believe it, gel stage complete, saponification acheived, I have made soap!!!!  It came out SOO perfect, I couldn't ask for anything more!  I couldn't wait to make my next batch!  

The unfortunate side effect of mixing soaps and candles and all these smelly smells in your kitchen is the fact that your house starts to smell like a Bath and Body Works with Hyperactivity....My husband Jason would walk in after work, and, after being bnombarded with smells of orange, patchouli, sandalwood, juniper, Nag Champa, and florals and fruits, the poor guy would still come over to the kitchen, and his poor overstimulated nose would get stuck in everything I had made that day.  That's ok though, my wallflowers ran dry about a week into this, and I didn't even notice because my house smells so....uhh...perky!!!

Not to mention this guy has put up with me taking over his man cave of a basement to turn a corner into a tie dye studio, all the chemicals that entails, the UPS guys knows me by name now, and a whole pantry in the kitchen is full of things like lye, citric acid, urea, and soda ash.  I'm waiting for a black SUV to come passing by wondering what weapons of mass destruction I am blueprinting.

So now here we are, six weeks later, trying out the soaps, making sure they're everything they're supposed to be, and the tie dye is down to a system that I have never had so organized, and I couldn't be happier.  We just finished week two of the Grayslake Farmers Market.  I am so impressed with the diversity of the vendors, the customers and the crowds.  It's absolutely amazing.  

And, I finally broke down, only took me two weeks.  I started the custom orders back up.  I wasn't going to offer it this year, but the fact that I get such a rush realizing someone's idea for a design is too much to resist.  I can't believe the overwhelming welcome I've received in Grayslake, and how impressed everyone is with my work.  It is truly humbling.  I've never received so many compliments about the dyes, and it only motivates me to work harder and better to make more daring, vibrant designs.  I think I truly have found my favorite place!

If you have a free Wednesday evening, please come check out the market.  Dogs are welcome, it is extremely family friendly, and the vendors are so unique, it is astounding.  You will find everything from wine tasting, to an olive vendor, olive oils, bison meat, seafood, the most lush produce, homemade breads, and of course, sno cones, shaken lemonade, dog treats, and a HUGE baloon vendor for the kids. As soon as I close my mouth to stop from drooling at the sights, I will remember to take pictures and put some on here.  What an awesome experience.

You can get more information at www.grayslakefarmersmarket.com, or just stop on by in downtown Grayslake from 3-7pm Wednesday nights all the way through October.  The whole block is shut down at Slusser and Center Sts, but you can find municipal, free parking less than a block away on all sides of the market.

Hope to see you there, until then, Have a great June!!!

It's only in the Silence you want to Scream...

I have been trying desperately to blog and put some of the random thoughts down here and publish them, and they're all lined up pretty in a row waiting to be published, but I can't find three minutes to sit the hell down and type these days.  Not until I'm ready to explode.


I always say if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.  No one ever hears me saying it because I'm usually the asshole with my mouth shut preventing the saying from even happening.  Now if I don't say freakin SOMETHING I will most definitely combust.

I gave up Facebook for Lent, which some people think is stupid, and others think is genius.  I'm inchin toward the genius side of the room.  Number one, it's a problem when you wake up and immediately check your Facebook before you get out of bed.  Number two, I figured the less drama I read, the less stressed I will get.  I had to revise it, and only use it for work(meaning only going on my business' page and my team pages) and for Bestie, whose little one decided to enter the world much earlier than expected.  Two things have developed from this choice.

First, it's true, I am ridiculously, blissfully ignorant of the bullshit and retardation that Facebook has sprung on us as a society.  Grown adults ruining lifelong friendships over "defriending" and vague, emo status updates, stupid political views without all the facts that make them look like backwater swamp people, and 742 pictures of people's pets chewing on toilet paper tubes.  It's insanity.  What happened to calling people on the phone and a five minute conversation of, "Oh, hello, how are you? I'm good.  Hey haven't seen you in a while, what's new?  Uh huh, uh huh, awesome, nothing new here, but hey it was good talking to you.  Call you soon!"  Instead, we're slowly turning into those fat people from WALL-E on Hoverounds, looking at our own little screens and drinking tacos out of Big Gulps and zooming around completely unaware of the world around us.  Except, of course our little bubble of lies that is Facebook.  On Facebook everyone's lives look soooo wonderful and busy and fulfilled.  Then Emotionally Questionable friend calls and you don't have time to have dinner this week, but logs on and sees that you've been hanging out with your buddies Fun While Drunk, Only Calls on Your Birthday, Guy Who Only Hangs Out With You if it's Something He Wants to Do, and Pessimistic Outlook Man.  Then the shit hits the fan, and suddenly you're in some high school silence contest.  When in reality, you've had food poisoning for two days, Fun While Drunk tagged you in a photo from four months ago, Birthday Guy went out to dinner, only to be three hours late, stay fifteen minutes and shove the bill to you, and Hang Out and Pessimistic Outlook Dude only called you out because they tagged you in a picture of a hedgehog pooping on a log while saying, "EFF FRIDAYS". You only noticed because your text notifications beeped while you were picking up socks from every room in the house because no one knows what a laundry hamper is.

So that's all gone.  And it's nice.  No drama, I'm personally giving less of a shit as each day passes.

Unfortunately, on the other side of the spectrum, I find myself wanting to "like" bumper stickers on cars, stop the first person I see when I think of something funny, explain the long winded inside joke that only I get, and  pop my head up because DAMN!  That would be a good status update!  Keeping it all in is dangerous, but beneficial.  Dangerous in the sense that once capacity is reached a complete word and idea vomit will commence.  Beneficial, because now that fabulous life I seemed to have had on Facebook is actually getting fabulous, because I'm logging a whole list of cool shit I've done in the last day or so instead of updating every five seconds what is for dinner, or what Little One said in the car, and funny thing-I have stuff to talk about when Husband Man gets home now!  When he asks how my day was, "meh" is no longer the answer!  Ok, so he gets this long winded account of a play-by-play of my day, including what I ate, who said what, and why I decided to re-alphabatize my iTunes by "general feel of song", but hey, we're talking here!

I'm also at the point of pulling that top ten list for Easter.  "100 things I did while NOT on Facebook"...what do you think?  It's actually kinda catchy.....I'm so doing it.  The only thing that is wrong with this picture?  My mom got all sad when I called her the other day, because I "Barely see (her) as it is and now that Facebook isn't an option, (she'll) never hear from (me) again".  Really?  And as a sidenote, she's not the only one to place this on me.  Friends from work, friends from Husband Man's work, have mentioned this social self-exile.  I do have a phone, and it takes emails, calls, and texts.  Just sayin'.

And no one will read this, because I usually post blog entries....onto Facebook.  Sigh.

In the meantime, a couple things that will go on my 100 list, which is pretty cool considering I've been off Facebook for less than two weeks:

Became an Auntie
Filmed a Movie

Sweet, right?  There, just a taste.  Now it's back to finding more socks in the living room.  I mean, honestly...

Like a mental patient doing basket weaving.....

OH MY GOD.  I have made the revelation that I am BEYOND retarded.  No, I'm serious.  It's like a light has been shone in through the cavernous empty spaces that my brain SHOULD be residing in.  I have had an epiphany friends, and its name is LABELS....

Ok, for those of you who are like, " OK, WTH, where the heck have you been?  Vacationing off the French Riviera?  Who goes away for two months and then decides to just fly back in the door ranting and raving????"......the answer, is ME.

First off, the only time I actually blog is when my brain has hit idea capacity and freaking explodes all over the computer, otherwise it is forced and frankly not funny, not that I try to be funny, but anytime someone tells me I actually entertain them, it's by accident.  No, seriously.  And having no computer for two months kind of hinders the "creative process".  So I'll get all into that in a moment.

We have finally moved into our own place in early December; not that living it up at Hotel NaNa wasn't fun, but we finally hit that point, like that last level in a video game: that last final big Boss, and his name was Credito MALOOOOO...well a quick one-two melee with my bank account and catching every coin he farted out when I destroyed him has officially gotten us back in the land of Holding your KeepVille.  So we got a place that fits me, HusbandMan, Little One, and Dog and Cat.  I get an office, he gets a mancave, and Little One gets a TV and his own Wii.  It all works out.  In the weeks following it has been slowly setting up the office, and I finally got my computer up and running.  In the meantime, random thoughts have been scribbled on my tablet and now they make no sense.  So the next few weeks are going to be a pile up of all the things I've wanted to blog about, but haven't had the chance because I'm weird and won't set up in a room that isn't in "ideal environmental conditions".  I had to wait for a desk, because a laptop on a folding table that moves throughout the house and served as the dining table every night was a little distracting.

I realize I sound like a manic mental patient who just figured out how to basketweave...but there's a lot of thoughts bumping and grinding against each other in the nightclub that is my head(maybe that's why it's so dark up there...)

That may have been harsh, the whole retard thing.  While I did vow not to put a disclaimer on what I said, I do realize I have a slight case of Word Vomit.  This is a real condition that actually removes the filter that I had surgically implanted that stops me from saying stupid shit at the wrong time.  Word Vomit is a virus that actually wedges the filter out of alignment, letting little sentences slip...nothing damaging, but just enough to get someone to looks at you sideways and wonder if you ran out of medication this morning.

A few examples of my word vomit:

1. In college, it was frightfully cold one day, and I was running late as usual.  I was stuck parking all the way in the back of the way back parking lot-you know, the one that's really two parking lots away- my thighs were freaking Popsicles, because when you're in college you have no ass or hips so you wear things like low rise flares with a cute barely covering sweater and a huge marshmallow puffy jacket - open - so as to not to look "fat".  Why didn't our mothers slap us?  Anyway...I finally get to the grand staircase that leads to my biology class, and I see it; it sees me, and I immediately scoff and say F that.  To my right, a bank of elevators.  Hellooo laziness!  Still shivering, I'm stuck in the elevator with Random Guy, so since I'm allergic to keeping my mouth shut, "ugh, it is WAY too cold out, I am totally not doing the stairs today."

"Oh, I know, me either, I just do NOT feel like it."  Look down-the guy has no legs and he's in a wheelchair, smiling.  Ten points to you, Sir, for a well-played move, but I'm going to go die now...

2. College, part 2: Walking down the hallway, I'm talking to a friend and she's gently pulling my shirt to bring me closer to her.  Deep in my book that I am reading aloud from, I pay no attention, until she yanks me closer to her, and out of the way.  Finally I look up, and say, "WHAT?!?!?"  She points to someone coming my way, very close, and I quickly get out of the way.  I look back down at the book and Friend in embarrassment, I start apologizing sincerely, "Oh God, I'm so sorry I am blind..."  I immediately get a slap upside the head from Friend, and I look at her like "WHAT THE HELL NOW?!??!?"  She points...the person whose way I was in....is wielding a very long, obvious seeing cane.  Derp.

Just two of the many, many word vomit encounters, although I am pretty sure those are the only ones I've verbally accosted handicapped people.  I think the rest are emotional scarring and severely bad timing on my part, maybe I'll dedicate one post to just the random Word Vomit instances. 


Anyway, the point; I have a lot of catching up to do, and I finally figured out how to make labels on my blog.  This is the same girl who has been pulling her hair out over the # thingy people put on their Facebook posts, they're on commercials now, and I have NO EFFING clue what the hell it means.  I even had a veteran geek explain it to me.  I now speak Latin, but still don't know what the hell that number sign does to enhance your words, especially when you jumble them together to make it harder to read, such as #Ithinkimtheonlypoormotherefferwhodoesntknnowwhattheshitthismeans.  When I asked, she said it is meant to categorize when she's talking about one subject versus another.  My eyes crossed.  I am hoping to understand one day.  In the meantime, I am sort of on my way; you see, I have learned what Labels are!  Labels, you put on the end of your blogs, so you can categorize them all!  Remember when I posted about how if given the chance I'd probably write 4,672 different blogs if I were to keep all the subjects separate?  No longer!  I'm like the Sham-Wow guy over this; now I can write about all kinds of stuff and it will all be in one place, rather than one long blog you have to scroll down, aaaaaaand apparently to inaugurate it, I have written a post that points to nowhere....and goes in four different directions, so I am sorry about that.  But have no fear!  With this label crap it will not happen again!  YAY!  All the crafty stuff, the goofy stuff, and the food stuff!  I can't contain my happiness!